Playing it Cool
Yesterday was a weird, sad day. I was exhausted, about to start my period, and my fucking dog died. I also almost crashed my car on the way to church and cried through the first part of the service. It’s safe to say it was a bad day.
Sometimes on bad days like this, I get into stupid funks where I’m convinced I’m the most difficult person in the world. I get sad and moody and feel like no one is ever going to put up with my shit. You know that one Arthur meme about always being the difficult one in all your relationships? It’s hilarious, but part of me can’t help but think, “Aw shit, yeah that’s me.”
I have a really hard time playing it cool. And by “really hard time,” I mean I can’t do it at all. I can’t control my face and you can read every emotion on me like a book. It’s so easy to tell when something is wrong because I absolutely cannot hide it.
There’s a lot of pressure on new relationships to play it cool. When you first start dating, you’re supposed to be coy or hard to get. Don’t text him too much, don’t let him know you like him, don’t show him your crazy. We’ve all heard the rules.
Playing it cool is such a fine line. While I don’t think you throw out, “let’s get married” on date 2, I do think it’s important to be yourself. I think it’s better to be honest. You need to be open about the things you want and the things that bother you.
Picking your battles is a real thing too. I can be pretty sensitive and usually don’t have a problem telling someone if they hurt my feelings. For big things and deep hurts, absolutely you should say something. But for stupid little things where the person probably didn’t mean to hurt you, you probably should just let it go. This is something I’m working on. Not everything needs to be a fight or a discussion. I need to not take things so personally.
Being completely honest with the person you like is a hard thing. I’m scared to show my bitchy or crazy sides. I’m scared I’m going to be mean someday and send my boyfriend running for the hills. I’m scared for those days where I just can’t bounce back from my sad funk. I know this is probably PTSD from past relationships, but I’m so tired of feeling like I’m the difficult one. The one who isn’t easy to love.
I know I’m a pain in the ass, but I have to believe that part of me is worth loving too. I have to believe I’m so much more than those parts of me that are impatient, sad, and selfish.
But isn’t that what falling in love is like? Presenting the full, real, and honest you to someone in hopes that they will want every part. I want someone who is going to hold me on my sad days and talk me through my crazy days. I don’t want to worry about playing it cool anymore. I want someone to love every part of me, even when I’m an uncool trainwreck.
Sad Girl Song – Clementine by Sarah Jaffe
I wish I was a little more delicate…I wish my name was Clementine.
Sad Girl Song #2 – Easy to Love by Ivan & Alyosha