Golden State Goodbye
I wrote this last week, but I’m posting it from a hotel room in Amarillo, TX.
In two days I am completely uprooting my life and moving across the country to Nashville, TN. It honestly can’t come soon enough. I am more than ready to say goodbye to the ex-boyfriends, traffic, and superficial lifestyle of Orange County. But that’s not to say I’m getting away unscathed.
I hate to be dramatic and say that Orange County killed my spirit, but it honestly has. I am 400% done with this place. I’ve been unhappy here for years and just recently mustered up the courage to get out. I just don’t fit in here. I’ve known that I wanted to leave, but have been looking for a reason to stay. From dating, to going to church, to just getting out there as much as possible, I’ve tried it all. And I’ve come up empty-handed. I’m still single, I don’t have a ton of friends in the area, and my life simply isn’t going anywhere here. It’s time to go.
Dating in Orange County has been an absolute, fucking nightmare. I’ve met a small number of nice guys, but for the most part I’ve had the crap beat out of me. After the Seattle incident (fuck you Andrew, you bald-ass prick), I have 0 desire to date. My heart needs a break after all the garbage I have dealt with over the past couple years.
I really don’t want to feel this way. I can feel myself becoming bitter and closed off and it’s honestly scaring the shit out of me. I feel exhausted and beaten down. I don’t want to be that cliché girl who was screwed over and has trust/intimacy issues, but it’s honestly where I’m at right now.
I will say though, not trying to date or talk to anyone has been incredibly refreshing. The stress of wondering whether or not a guy was going to text was killing me. Maybe I’m self-sabatoging, but I get into something and know it’s only a matter of time before the guy bails on me. I am so glad I’m not dealing with that right now. I’m already a high-stress person and the wishy-washyness of dating makes me into a crazy person.
My hope is that Nashville will be different. I’m moving to a city full of people chasing their dreams and that’s exactly the environment I need to be in. I want Nashville to renew my spirit and give me the inspiration and motivation I’ve been missing. I don’t want to jump back into the dating app scene or dating at all, really. It would be great if I met someone organically, but that’s really not my focus. And if it does happen, it needs to move extra slow. I’m done wasting my time and getting super involved with guys that don’t give a single shit about me.
I want to spend my time with friends, meeting people, and getting involved in my community. I want to join a church and actually be around enough to get something out of it. I want to work hard to make this blog into something incredible.
I found this picture recently and it made me smile. This photo is from 4 years ago, shortly after I moved back to Orange County. I was making shit money and didn’t even have a bed frame. Once again I’m packing up only what will fit in my car and moving across the country. And I can’t wait. There’s something romantic about starting over and I’m so excited to see what Nashville has in store for me this time around.
Sad Girl Song – Cold is the Night by The Oh Hello’s
Take this burden away from me and bury it before it buries me.