William and the Used Stuffed Animals

As soon as Sad Girl Blog launched, I had quite a few ex-whatevers reaching out to me. Some had compliments, some were trying to clear the air before I wrote about them, and one in particular said he couldn’t wait for his “asshole cameo.” Well here it is, you!

William and I had a very interesting relationship. We fought a lot and I honestly did not want to be his girlfriend at first. He told me that Johnny Cash asked June Carter every day to marry him, so he would ask me to be his girlfriend every day until I agreed. Good Lord.

William had some “financial issues” in college. Money isn’t everything, but you gotta be able to take me out on a date without making me feel guilty. To him, paying for my Del Taco or taking me on a “nice date” to Olive Garden was pushing it. I tried to be understanding, but I was taking a full load of classes and hustling my ass off waiting tables. It was hard to have sympathy for my boyfriend who didn’t even have a job.

So taking into account that William never bought me anything, you can imagine how surprised I was when he showed up at my house with a giant stuffed dog. My eyes lit up and I was SO happy! My boyfriend had finally bought me a present! He said his name was Sirius Black, which delighted my Harry Potter-loving soul.

I took the stuffed puppy into my arms, but something felt…weird. The fur on its legs was matted and it was absolutely doused in William’s cologne. That’s a bit odd. Then it hit me: the cologne was there to cover up a smell because this was A USED STUFFED ANIMAL. What the actual FUCK? Who gives someone a USED STUFFED ANIMAL?! I tried to keep the dog on my bed, but the smell was so strong that I had to move it into my closet. After a couple days in there, my roommate said her clothes were starting to smell, so I moved Sirius into the trunk of my car.

If that wasn’t bad enough, it happened A SECOND TIME. William was allergic to cats and one day brought me a stuffed cat “because we could never have one.” There was something weird about this stuffed animal too. It was from Build-a-Bear, but he didn’t have the box or anything that normally comes with it. I asked if he had made this for me and he said no, it was already made. If you have ever been to Build-a-Bear, you know that there are no pre-made animals for purchase. William had a friend who worked at Build-a-Bear, so I’m assuming he got some mess-up cat from her and then gave it to me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Maybe I’m being harsh and maybe he truly thought these were romantic gestures, but come on. You really think USED STUFFED ANIMALS are an appropriate gift? I deserve only the freshest of stuffed animals!

In all seriousness, as much as I love fancy dinners and nice presents, I really don’t expect them. What I do expect is that you never give me a smelly second-hand gift. Go buy some cheap flowers, I’ll pass on the gross stuffed dog you stole from your little sister.

Thanks for the story though, it’s one of my favorites to tell!

Sad Girl Song – The More Boys I Meet by Carrie Underwood

The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog.

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